When is the worst time to hassle an athlete for an autograph?

I’m not a big signed memorabilia type of guy. Personally, I’d rather take a picture. It lasts longer, is less labor intensive and I feel like less of a goofball displaying it. The parasocial connection between autograph seekers pressuring athletes to sign comes with the territory though. This week, a video of Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes turning down an adult autograph-seeker using his kid as an emotional human shield at a celebrity golf tournament went viral. In the brief posted snippet, an entitled dad recorded himself begging Mahomes for an autograph while he was standing on the side of the course practicing his swing.

Mahomes, who understands that crumbs attract more pigeons and that now isn’t the time, replied by informing the overbearing dad that he “can’t sign for everyone … can’t make everybody happy.”

Unable to take no for an answer, the obnoxious man implored Mahomes again. “Yeah, you can … you can just make one kid happy out of a hundred.”

Mahomes shot back, “I’ll make 99 sad.”

The exchange should have ended there. Instead, the dad thought it painted Mahomes in a poor light because like a large quantity of fans, he’s under the impression athletes owe them their off-work hours too. Mahomes’ perspective is more understandable. Athletes have to draw the line somewhere or else they’ll spend every public moment developing carpal tunnel. There are designated autograph sessions and plenty of less obtrusive times to solicit signatures, but that video says less about athletes and more about fans who lack the ability to read the room. It also got me wondering, what are the worst places to try to request an athlete’s John Hancock? I’ll take a stab at a few scenarios to avoid.

Maybe you run into them, exiting a stall, or worse, you try to slip them a pen and an item between the doors. That’s a vulnerable moment. It’s just not sanitary and it’s weird. Please, for the sake of your dignity, don’t do it.

A clip from The Last Dance of Michael Jordan always stands out as one of the most awkward autograph requests caught on film. While MJ is getting mic’d up for an interview on The Nulle Part Ailleurs Show, the audio guy finishes setting up his mic and then produces a folded-up paper out of thin air for Jordan and politely asks him to sign it. Taken aback, Jordan stared awkwardly until a producer or security intervened. Even I felt second-hand embarrassment. Don’t emulate this awkward, nameless audio guy by using your all-access job to hound them for an autograph once they’re trapped. Worst of all, his moment was immortalized for us to mock decades later.

Nobody wants to sign the sweaty jersey or Nike activewear you’re wearing or whatever you have on hand while they’re sweating profusely and trying to maintain focus. And definitely do not follow them to the locker room or confront them when they’ve got nothing but a towel on. Just, no.

Drinks are flowing, the vibes are right and then you spot Caleb Williams in the VIP. First, you’ve got to evade security. Chances are they’re with a lady, in chill mode, or faded. Also, depending on how much alcohol they’ve consumed that signature is going to look like chicken scratch. You’re better off being the voyeur who records him from afar and sells the video to TMZ.

This goes out to all the surgeons out there. This should be obvious professional decorum, but tapping a patient for a quick signature is a peculiar move after they just drew on their knee with a Sharpie to chart out where they’re slicing for the invasive procedure about to be performed makes it seem like you’re distracted. Stay focused. If you’re a patient, they’re likely not in the mood to be hospitable either.

Those are likely privileged conversations you’re encroaching on. Secondly, you’ve got to ask yourself is this the type of autograph you actually want to collect? This is even more regrettable if you’re opposing counsel, on a jury or a judge.

If you happen to run into any athletes watching Oppenheimer or Barbie this weekend, the worst thing you could do is interrupt to ask for their autograph. That’s worse than asking strangers in a theater, “What did I miss?” Once Nicole Kidman’s AMC anthem begins, and those lights dim, wait til the credits roll.

The entire NFL community watched Jeff Lamberth and Tripp Sutter learn the hard way after they exchanged numbers in the tunnel after a Bucs loss to the Panthers. This might sound intuitive and I’m speaking to a ridiculously small subset of the population, but this can get you fired.

Veteran NFL official Jerry Bergman messed around and found out by asking for running back Errict Rhett and linebacker Hardy Nickerson before a 1995 game between the Packers and Buccaneers. Bergman was fined, disciplined, and never worked another NFL sideline again.

That’s got to be as annoying as the squeegee man giving your window an unsolicited window wash. Panhandling out of desperation is one thing, but if you see a flustered Draymond Green with his top down on the slow-crawling 605, don’t start begging him to sign your Jordan Poole jersey because he might show you those hands instead.